3-19-2010
I read an article today on a woman striving to become the world's fattest woman.
Why ?
While I was once quite overweight, before my gastric bypass, I never was intent on gaining weight.
It was more of a helpless feeling that I could just gain weight looking at a food advertisement in a magazine. I never fully admitted to myself that I was eating too much, and the wrong foods, in excessive portions, and too late at night.
Gastric Bypass allowed me to lose 250#. Down to less than half the size I was previously.
So why have I put weight back on ?
Unlike this woman seeking to be the fattest, I still want to be sleek and muscular. However, when I got down to 230#, everyone kept commenting that I looked too thin. Too gaunt. Unhealthy. Etc.
While I did not heed all their comments, I did look in the mirror. Naked. That's what bothered me. After losing all the weight in my early 50's, the skin had no where to go but to sag. It was not a pretty sight. To me it was worse than when I was twice as heavy, because at least at that point it was a fuller look, not all droopy.
I did look into the Body Lift, and the Doctors I chose where in the Los Angeles Area. I could not however, justify going out there for 6 - 7 weeks (surgery, recovery, checkups, etc.). Perhaps I should have. I never had the surgery done.
Now, after regaining 70 pounds, I am unhappy with my re-gain. I am striving to lose back to the 250# range, working out in the process. I do cardio and strength training, several times a week.
I belong to a gym near work, and also one up at the lake. I've been using a personal trainer, though he took another regular job, and I've not been able to schedule with him in weeks now.
Tomorrow I interview two potential personal trainers at the gym here near work (Sapulpa area),
and see what they propose.
However, to accomplish anything I want to, I have to get my eating back under control. While I have not returned to the junk food I ate before Gastric Bypass, I am simply eating too much. It's all "healthy" foods, with a few exceptions (some BBQ sauce, etc.), but because I deem them healthy foods (protein bars, NutriSystems, etc.) I eat more than I should most days. My weight has stabilized the last few months, within a 7 pound range. But I know I can do better, I know I can do more. I know I can eat less. I just have to do it.
Stress has been the main problem in recent years. The stress of the company sales plummeting from our best 5 years ever, to a horrible 2009. 2010 is improving so far, but there is no guarantee that will last. Also, the financial stress, as I am one of those that bought property for less than 20% down. Yes, I should have realized that was not the best move. However, the bank that approved those loans should have realized it as well. Now, to meet compliance with their auditors, they have cracked down on me, demanding more principal, and upping one of the payments at refinance time 18 months ago. At that point, they added extra principal as a monthly requirement with my payment, which in fact doubled my monthly payment. Of course, when I approached them last summer for some reprieve, knowing my income was lower, etc.,
they did not offer any assistance or allow me to skip any payments, etc. Anyway, just another source of stress. I have the Sapulpa home on the market (for 8 months now), but no taker. Someday.
As one can tell from some of the above, I keep having excuses for not getting in better shape. Some are valid, some are merely excuses. While I lost a ton of weight, it did not change what was engrained in my brain. All those years of being teased, looked at by strangers, avoiding true intimacy, and ignoring the health risks, were still locked up inside. Therapy has helped with that, but it took me 50 years to get this way, so it's not an easy fix. The recent addition of Wellbutrin has helped to calm my inner rants and raves for the most part, though I still have my moments. Fortunately though, I now think about them more than I act on them. That has helped me with food, and in relationships with friends and family. As a result of the therapy, I have been able to release myself from many of the toxic relationships of the past, when I was just too needy to not have some form of relationship. Today, I have more fulfilling relationships with friends, and find it easier to make new friends as well. One relationship in particular has really been a positive for me, as the input and acceptance I have received are very beneficial. I was never one to see myself as receiving total acceptance from many people in my life, but I've found it now, and it's a beautiful experience.
So how does this all relate to the woman wanting to be the heaviest in the world ? I've been super heavy. There was no happiness there. No matter how many cheeseburgers with fries and a chocolate shake I consumed, that enjoyment was so fleeting. Food is merely a temporary high when using it for acceptance and comfort.
Today I know healthier eating. There is no way I will regain back to where I was 5 years ago. Most of what I have gained back, I will be shedding in 2010. My workouts will reduce my BMI and % of fat along with the pounds. Then I can reconsider doing the Body Lift, even here in Tulsa. That will not be for vanity, but for health, and an improved self-image. I've been overweight since grade school, so I've never known what it's like to be a "normal" size. Even at my recent lowest of 230#, that was still "heavy" by the medical charts, though by my friends accounts, it was too thin. No wonder I was mixed up, receiveing conflicting signals.
My theory is that the lady gaining to be the heaviest is receiving mixed signals. She loves the attention it has brought to her, the fame, the shock value. The fact that she makes a living by
having a website where men can pay to view her, while eating, etc., reflects her need for attention, even when not in a positive fashion.
What message will that send to the kids she is raising ? How will they feel once the burden on her system of the extra weight takes the ultimate toll, and she's no longer around ? How does that help them ? How does that show love for them ?
